Sunday, February 6, 2011

the little story

Disclaimer: I wrote this mostly for me, to remember the events. It's a little TMI in places and quite boring in others. it's not a work of non-fiction, just my recollections of the past week.

i found out i was pregnant about a week and a half before Christmas. i wrapped up the pregnancy test and stuck it under the Christmas tree for Nick to open on Christmas morning. and that's where my little story begins....

in the following weeks as i began to plan. i got excited, but stayed apprehensive, it was still quite early and my symptoms were very mild. i started to worry that i didn't feel sick at all, and right about that time, BAM the sickness hit me something fierce. it gave me a little peace, but wore off after about a week, i started feeling normal again.

my first appointment with the doctor was at my 11 week point. she couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler (happened with all three boys, so i wasn't worried), i told her of my lack of symptoms and she scheduled me for an ultrasound at another hospital. i went and picked up the boys from school and drove down to the hospital. i left them in the waiting room and when into the ultrasound room. I was HIGHLY uncomfortable because i had to keep my super-full bladder! the ultrasound tech was super nice and chatty. she began the ultrasound by doing all the measuring of the ovaries and lame stuff, i just wanted to see the baby, but every time i saw the baby flash on the screen she wouldn't leave it there. she said she needed to switch to vaginal ultrasound and let me pee (relief!). when i came back in, she'd turned the monitor so i couldn't see and wasn't talking to me at all. i knew something wasn't right as she was punching buttons like crazy. the tears almost started when she left the room to the the radiologist to go over my results. i was freaking out! you have these conversations in your head like, "maybe they just do things differently here" or "maybe it's twins!" but really, it just didn't seem good :( the radiologist came in and one look at her face told me that my baby was dead. she was really nice and gentle, but i was all business, "what do i do now?" since it was Friday at 4:30pm my doctor was gone for the day so she'd gone ahead and made an appointment with one of her partners. i said, "forget it, what's the point?" and told her to cancel the appointment, mostly because i wasn't excited about seeing this particular doctor she'd scheduled me with, i've heard horror stories about her.

so i held my composure checking out. i held it as the kids shot questions at me, "did you see the baby?" "did you get a picture?" "can we see?" i kept it together as i left the hospital and trudged to the car. i phoned my doctors office because i knew once i got home, they'd be closed, to schedule a monday appt. the scheduler was rude and i wanted to reach through the phone and SMACK her. if the kids hadn't been in the car, i would have yelled, "you COULD be a little nicer to me, i just found out that my baby is dead!" i didn't realize that i was upset until i felt hot tears rolling out from under my sunglasses. thank heavens for sunglasses!

i dont know how i made it home, but i did. we walked in the front door. "you can do whatever you want, but dont play outside" i told the kids and went in my room and shut the door. i texted a few people that i had told and let them know. i then let the tears come and i had myself a good cry. i'm not the kind of woman that feels a connection to her fetus in a mommy/baby sort of way. i can describe my main emotion as dissapointed, sad and very dissapointed.

Nick called on his way home from school and offered to pick up dinner, YES PLEASE!

waiting the weekend was difficult. every little pain and twinge sent me to the bathroom to check for blood. i kept waiting for it to happen. there was a sort of catharsis in a way. what i was dealing with was minor on so many levels. i have friends and family members going through trials way beyond mine. i was actually growing thankful for the constants in my life. my healthy family, a loving supportive husband, and a firm testimony of God. if any of those things were to be threatened or disappear, then, i may have an excuse to feel sorry for myself.

monday came and Nick came with me to the doctors. she wanted to do a d&c the next day in the office by giving me valium, vicoden and lidocaine. oh man, i really wanted to be knocked out! so i pushed for general anesthesia and they complied, i was scheduled for monday evening between 4 and 7 pm. but she wanted to put lamanaria (some seaweed) on my cervix to begin the dilation process. so once again i was droppin my drawers... i had no idea she was giving me a shot of lidocaine "down there" until i started FREAKING out. my whole body when shakey and numb and i felt like i was floating and going to pass out. i started balling my eyes out (not because i was sad, but because i was scared) it was the weirdest reaction EVER and it confirmed the decision i'd made to NOT get the lidocaine again the next day for the actual d&c.

i went home and waited. my mom came to help with the boys and the hospital called at 4:30 and asked me to head over.

i was starving. since i couldn't eat for the entire day and my body was still technically pregnant, it was awful! every time the nurses or staff would ask if i needed anything, i'd ask for a sandwich and they would just laugh.

they let Nick stay with me since it was really slow. we talked a lot and Nick said, "the is the first date we've been on in a long time." and it was nice, just laying there for hours, chatting, with some occasional studying on Nick's part, and reading on mine.

the hospital staff was so sweet and attentive. seriously, they were awesome! my doctor was busy delivering babies and was a little "put-out" by my demanding general anethesia. when she finally got to me in the OR, her first words were "now WHY are we doing this in the OR and not in the office?" well, it was nearly 11pm and she was exhausted. there were so many people that were waiting around the hospital JUST for me. i felt horrible for being so demanding, but i just couldn't imagine doing it in the office with the lidocaine and the sucking sounds of the machine.... to give my doctor a little more credit, she was very nice after the procedure and said, she'd remember my story from my appointment on friday and was very chatty.

the procedure itself wasn't that bad, they had to wake me up early because i was bleeding too much. (when you are under general anethesia, the uterus relaxes making it more difficult for them to stop the bleeding, if i'm awake the uterus hardens and contracts) so, i woke up to the doctor massaging my uterus like a meat tenderizer. then she called for some medicine from l&d that helps the uterus to contract. it's administered rectally and seriously, THAT was the worst part, my bum was sore for a few days.

post-op was fine. i was so happy to adorn my happy pants and hoody. we stopped at jack-in-the-box and i got an oreo milkshake :)

i didn't sleep well that night however. i was exhausted, but i could still feel the drugs in my system. my limbs felt different, my head cloudy. it was almost as if i didn't want to go to sleep because i wasn't sure i would wake up. weird, i know. luckily my mom stayed and took the boys to school in the morning. over the next few days, i'm trying to take it easy. when i do too much, i feel it! so i think i'm gonna give it another few days before i hop back on the treadmill and resume my kitchen duties.

it hasn't even been a week, and yet i'm grateful for this experience. it's refocused my thoughts on the things that matter most. i have a greater appreciation for my children, my friends and family and especially my husband.


flip flop mama said...

Emily, I am SO sorry! It's such a weird feeling to mourn something you never really tangibly had.

Also, I can't believe they put you through all that! Each time I've gone in I just hang out in the waiting room and then they put me under and take me away. No prep work or guilt trips. Way to stand your ground and not do it in the office.

Hang in there! I'm glad you're feeling okay. Let me know if you need to talk.

Hanaike House said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers Emily, although it is clear to see that your faith and support system will see you through. Just remember anytime you want you can drop those boys off here.

Kat said...

Wow! I wish I'd had your outlook and faith when I went through my loss! You're strength is INCREDIBLE! It just makes me wish more and more that I'd gotten to know you better when you were here. :)

You really are a super woman!